Today, my Sister and her husband Sean, Amy and I and all of the kids went to Queen of Heaven in Lafayette to visit my Mom’s “spot” (I don’t like to say grave, so from here on out, I will use “spot”). Most of my friends know that on April 24th of this year I lost my mom suddenly. She passed in her sleep, without any pain or struggle from what turned out to be Pneumonia (and other respiratory insufficiencies). This has thrown all of us for a serious loop and only now can I write about it without falling apart. I have lost grandparents, uncles and friends I cared for deeply, but I believe that nothing has ever hit me as hard emotionally, as having lost my mom. She was 59 years old and approaching retirement. She was spending lots of time with my Sister and I as well as doing lots of sitting with the grandchildren.

While we feel blessed that my mom didn’t suffer, her sudden passing left everyone with strong emotions and loose ends that they wanted to “tie-up” with my mom. The last time I saw my Mom was at my Sisters place on the 20th of April. We were there to visit my Sisters newborn daughter Kali, and my mother had actually been staying with Julie all week to help out with the kids while my sister recovered. We sat around chatting, eating and drinking and just enjoying the Sunday afternoon. With the loss of my Mom, I think of the days, weeks and even months leading up to her passing. To sit here and try to tell you that every conversation with my mom was bright, cheery, positive and without conflict with be a lie. My mom was always on me for he long hours I worked, the health and well-being of Elliot and always scared that I was neglecting Amy through all of our busy times. I was on her for her smoking, her lack of water consumption and the fact that she drank more coffee in a week than I drank in 2 months. I worried about her terribly, and my biggest worry was that one day I would get a call and my mom would be in a hospital. The reason for her stay would be something to do with lung cancer or some other respiratory problem. I almost expected this, and the fact that she passed suddenly is … well, I just feel robbed. I always thought I would have a moment with her to tell her all of the things you want to say before someone passes on. I thought there would be tubes and ventilators, doctors and nurses, pain, but above all else I thought there would be some time.

We got to spend our last vacation with my Mom and Elliot in November. We had Easter, my birthday, other date-nights where my mom would babysit for us … and we had that last Sunday before she passed. The week before, we had an argument over Elliot and his health. He had pneumonia and a family storm was brewing because we felt like we were being unfairly judged as poor parents for his condition. I had a stern talk with her and things got a bit crazy as they often did. It was civil, but I was pissed and I made sure she knew it. My mom and I were so similar it is freaky. It’s probably why our relationship was loving, calm and on the flip-side loud and volatile. That last Sunday, we made small talk and sat and had lunch together. She was tired from the previous week and was still trying to spend as much time as she could with all of the grandchildren. She got to see Elliot and we did our best to convince her that he was indeed on the mend. When she left, we each made a half-ass attempt at a make-up. I asked her if she was heading out, she said “yeah”. I said “come here” and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She was walking out and I said “love you”. She said “love you too”. No hugs, teary apologies or heartfelt messages. Just simple words that neither of us wanted to be the first to utter. I would have never thought that would be it. While I’m glad to have had that moment, if I knew it would be our last together, I would have added a hug, punch in the arm (you’d have to know my mom) or something … but who would have thunk it.

I found out later from my sister that my mother knew we’d be fine. She joked with my sister about the fact that I cracked first and said “love you”, even though she knew I was pissed. While I wished in some ways that our last visit was smoother, It would not be fair for my mom to have suffered in a hospital, even if we were able to attain a different level of closure. The emotions I’m going through these days are all over the place. Most of all, and especially on Mother’s Day, I wish she was around to spend the day with. We’d probably be out at dinner right now, or back at her place in Pleasanton having coffee. It’s so hard to believe that she’s gone and it just hurts. But as I keep saying to those around me, I guess it’s supposed to hurt. My lovely wife Amy lost her mom at a very young age and the loss of my mom has stirred a lot of emotions I think. My mom loved Amy as if she was blood and Amy knew this. They had gotten pretty close over the years and it’s hard for us to comfort each other when we’re both wrecks. We’ve been joking that we are taking turns with “meltdowns”. What does all this amount to? Well, trying to express my thoughts and emotions while keeping it real for my mom. Happy Mother’s Day Mom … and stop rolling your eyes at me.